Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
