I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
