I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize