turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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