It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
