I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
