my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize