Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
