hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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