I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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