i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
