So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
