fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
