The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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