I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
