jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
