I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
