How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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