Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
