I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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