Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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