On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
