3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
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