Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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