I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
