"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
