Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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