I'll bet she douches with gravy.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
