Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Randomize
