how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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