don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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