Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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