I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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