you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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