Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
