I never want to see another naked old woman again.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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