Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
