Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
