Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
