you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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