Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
