My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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