i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
