How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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