I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
