Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
What a dumb baby whore.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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