Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
