Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
