I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
