Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
