i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
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