my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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