I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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