Me. At least after what I've been through.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
