just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize