I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
