Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize