I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
