Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
