You're my little dorito
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
