literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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